my life and jesse mccartney

It isn't a crime to want
A little space to breathe
But you will be fine, the sun again will shine
On you
Whatever you do

Take your sweet, sweet time
Cause I'll be here, when you change your mind
Take your sweet, sweet time
I'll be here for you baby
Anytime

I'm feeling you pull away
'Cause letting go isn't easy for me
But you'll never fly
With someone else's wings, I know
Wherever you go

Take your sweet,sweet time
I'll be here, when you change your mind
Take your sweet, sweet time
I'll be here for you baby
Anytime

I will never stand in your way
Wherever your heart may lead you
I will love you the same
And I will be your comfort everyday
Do you hear the words I say?

Take your sweet, sweet time
I'll be here when you change your mind
Take your sweet, sweet time
I'll be here for you baby
Take your sweet, sweet time
I'll be here when you change your mind
Take your sweet, sweet time
I'll be here for you baby
Anytime

Oh, I'll be here, for you
I will be here

last christmas

i wanted to announce that last christmas is my favorite christmas song. i love all the versions of it too. anyway, life is just peachy.

so this is how it feels

to feel your heart break.

i love awkwardness

so i was reading k's blog and she wrote that she loves awkwardness. which just got me thinking. ha. awkwardness. i mean, it is what it is, you know? so why can't things just be? awkward or not..you'll get over it. and if you don't then that's obviously your own problem. you can't just tell people that something is going to be awkward when you aren't even there yet. because who knows? maybe it won't be. everything in life is only what you make it out to be. so if you want to continue to dwell on something, that's your own fault. shit happens and then you move on and learn from it. you shouldn't have to keep thinking my life is only like this because i did it to myself. no screw that, sure you did it but its over..done. enough, let's move on and stop thinking about what other people might say or feel about it. if they're losing sleep over it...wow. now obviously this whole rant is stemming from something in my own life that is annoying the shit out of me but there's not a whole lot i can personally do according to someone who thinks they know everything there is to know. its hard to talk to a brick wall. know what i'm sayin? its even harder to talk to that wall if you love it. so.

this week has been..eh. i have two tests next week and that's going to suck. but then thursday i fly out to phily for my cousin's wedding. that'll be a nice little getaway for once. and um...yeah i still need to get an outfit for that. its on my list of things to do this weekend. i just haven't got there yet. there's alot of things i haven't gotten around to yet. how does that happen? time flies when you're doing nothing. haha. so true though. i can't wait for thanksgiving to go home to md. hopefully at least. well i'm going to attempt to be productive now.

this is not what i had in mind..

well since tuesday night things have sucked and are still sucking. i can't even think of anything else to say right now. i'm just going to wait it out i guess. i hate that it has come to this so quickly.

so, its a sunday.

I am sitting at Devlin's desk in his room, on his computer, while he takes a shower. I love this keyboard I am tying on, not just because I bought it for him for his birthday but it types like really smooth and quiet..and it lights up blue, its really neat. Anyway,

This weekend I didn't do much. It was my Dad's birthday Friday so of course I was at home, then I kind of just stayed at my house this weekend because no one was around. I went shopping with my mom last night and I got some new sperry's and a pair of adidas shorts...fun. I was thinking about stuff to write about that would be interesting or funny but for some reason nothing is coming to mind right now. Well, today I went through the car wash at shell and this really fat lady in an old corolla was in front of me going and for the life of her she could not figure out how to get her tires aligned on the conveyer and it was hilarious watching her go back and forth trying, but finally she got it, and also forgot to put her car in neutral so genius there had a hard time to say the least. That was pretty entertaining.

I can't wait for November because I'm going to Philly for my cousins wedding, plussss Dane Cook the weekend after is going to be so much fun. Andd hopefully I'm going home to MD for thanksgiving so that'll be cool too if that happens. So yeah thats about it.

2 things

ok,

1- k, stop writing freakishly about ben your earth science teacher, thats weird...and creepy. i may email him the link to your blog if you continue....(ahah scared ya)

2- if you have a facebook, look me up and take my lame quiz called are you smarter than a 14th grader? get it? if grades kept going, i'd be in the 14th grade....

anyway the whole ben thing with k, yeah that is interesting, sounds like a cool teacher..i guess. i like that he eats sandwiches with a knife and fork, i'll have to try that. whats with earth science teachers being young and kinda weird? mine likes to be called by his first name too...and is a really huge dork, but not as weird as ben...

alright so anyway i just painted my nails and it pisses me off so bad that i suck at it and another finger or something always touches another and messes up at least one and i'm too lazy to fix it. today is friday and its my dads birthday, i need to go to target to get him a present and then drop a movie off and get a new one. thats about it. thats my day really. not exciting.

is it weird to put post it notes on my calendar of when the season premiere of certain shows are on? everyones making fun of me!! oh well. gotta go!

how about.....

you shut the fuck up and mind your own damn business. haha. :)

(not you reading this)

honeycomb is actually good....

me want honeycomb. not. haha. but really, kristen wrote about how she was eating a bowl of it while a sweaty man attempted to fix her tv and it just made me think about how much i obsessed over eating honeycomb every morning this past august. so...yeah. its good. i never thought i would like it, mostly because that little weird yellow dude is so creepy looking, i never thought i could possibly like a cereal that he liked. anyway....

today was sooooo nice in charlotte. it finally wasn't 526 degrees outside. i wanted to like go hiking on a nature trail or something, you know those kinds of days? well i didn't go hiking, but i watched alot of msnbc cold case files or whatever those things are. its a shitty world out there for some.

dev and i went to my house for dinner tonight and we had steaks. yummo. haha. i'm mad because we have tried twice ordering these stupid bmw emblems for my car that go in the middle of the wheel because they got stolen at the concord mills mall one day. (yeah, note to self, don't drive your bmw to the concord mills mall because homewrecking dumbcrap idiotic retard will steal your emblems!!!!!!) and anyway, they haven't fit my stupidest car, we ordered them twice, first ones were too small and plastic so we ordered the expensive real ones from the dealer and they stiiiiiiiiiiilll don't fit. lame. lame. and more lame. know what else is lame? school. and lastly? people!!!!!!!!!!!!!

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. but whatev, whatev. i still pretty much love my life. even when it could be better.

a long time coming

so i havent written since the beginning of summer and that was a long time ago, or so it seems. so anyway, summer in a nutshell was pretty good i guess. it sucks being in charlotte though...i wish i got to spend it with everyone from home..but sometimes things just don't happen the way you want them to. i did get to go to md though and it was a fun few days. good times and all. i went to florida for a week and i hadn't been there for three years so it was awesome seeing all my family. the day i got back from fl i left with dev for the outer banks. i'd never been there before and it was so beautiful. i had fun meeting his family and going to the beach although the water there was freezing. we set off fireworks at night on the beach and chased crabs with flashlights..that was like the thing to do out there. but yeah...um. summer was relaxing to say the least.

now school is started back up and we've been in class for the past 2 weeks. not too bad...yet. i'm in an apartment now. it's lovely, however, i feel like things aren't going to workout here for some reason...and its expensive...blah there are a lot of things running through my mind. i will stay here the rest of the year of course, but next year, with my house being so close and me being so poor i don't think taking out a loan just to live away from my parents is going to be in my best interest. we'll see. because you know, truth and time tells all. hah. had to throw that in there. anywho, um. i'm obsessed with tegan and sara now. listen to the con, its amazing. hmm..

i wonder why one persons life has to affect someone else's so much. you know like why other people give a shit about what i'm doing and my business with my relationships. people who know me understand that i don't regret staying in on weekends. don't get me wrong, i don't mind going out sometimes, i don't. but i don't like being judged for my personal decisions on how i want to live my life. i'm well aware of what i'm doing, what i'm getting into, where i'm going...and i don't have a problem with it. specifically speaking, some people seem to dislike the fact that i spend alot of time with my boyfriend. God forgive me for having the most amazing relationship. i mean really...i don't know. but i do know that i takewhat people say about me or to me, way to personally..so maybe instead of writing all of this shit i should just think to myself, fuck you.

ride for you

okay so i just watched a rerun of tyra and ll cool j and danity kane were on. seriously, ll really does have a lip licking problem. its distracting actually....anyway. he has a hot body but what's new? i'm obsessed with the ride for you song by danity kane that they sang. umm..yeah. that and the nancy drew call thing that kristen showed me online. basically you put together this voice message that emma roberts says and it automatically calls whoevers number you enter. i love it.

today i went to the wisdom teeth surgeon guy who extracted my teeth about a month ago. this was my fourth visit, sixth if you count the actual pre op and operation. i have had more complications with getting my wisdom teeth out than anyone should. i won't go into detail but one side of my face is now swollen and once again i look like i just had surgery although its been a good 4 weeks. why me.

i am supposed to be coming up to MD this weekend and hopefully i will still get to if this infection goes away, so i'm really excited about that, and not so much excited to see how obsessed kristen really is with harry potter or what dumb drama may be going on, i'm just looking for a good time at home! so..yeah.

this summer has not been amazing thus far. i need money and every job i get seems to somehow fall through...maybe its because its babysitting and thats not exactly a real job but come on...its easy so i can't complain. i did get significantly darker this weekend by going to the pool saturday and sunday with dev, so thats nice...i am now wondering why i was so stupid to spend 40 bucks on a month of tanning when i can just walk to the pool and layout. i'm an idiot. oh well.

not much else is new. I CANT FREAKIN WAIT TO GO HOME AND SEE EVERYONE! :)

its a done deal

so i am officially done my first year of college and it feels great! sure, i miss some things naturally, but i am glad to not be stressed about schoolwork anymore!!

as i reflect back on my experiences this year and all of the changes i have gone through, i can definitely say it was a new chapter in life. probably one of the biggest adjustments ever. moving away from home was hard but it worked out alright. i wish was closer to home in md, but it was nice having my family so close to my school if i needed them. i made some amazing friends this year along with a boyfriend who is more perfect than ever! so things are good. i managed to increase my gpa second semester and i'm pleased with that. hopefully it will only go up. i'm really excited for next year. again, it will be a new start, i will officially be living on my own in an apartment, and that makes me feel old, but independent nevertheless. i hope i can prove to myself that i can do things on my own and support myself in ways that i never thought i could. i'm going to be paying for a lot more than i'm used to, so saving up this summer is a must. anyway, freshman year went by fast but i can honestly say it was one of the best years ever and i will never forget the memories made in cypress.

onto newer things...
i got my wisdom teeth out yesterday morning. i am on some hydrocodone so that is helping with the pain thank gosh. its not as bad as i thought it would be, but my face does look like that of a chipmunk. ugh. i'm glad its over though. being put to sleep was kind of fun, i'd do it again haha

oh so today i got a new car. well, its used, but you know. my dad picked it out, he found it online, its a bmw. not new so don't jump out of your pants. it will do the job though. so i'm glad i don't have to drive my moms van anymore. seriously, almost anything could be better than that.

well...thats all for now.

never look back cause you won't forget why you cried

so, i'm depressed right now. the room is getting more bare by the second! kristi already left, me and dev took katie to the airport earlier so shes gone...it's so sad. i am going to miss this year. i will do a full reflection blog this weekend probably because i'm the dork i am.

my song for the moment is carrie underwood "i'll stand by you" soooooooo good. haha. and sad. i am glad that jordin stayed on american idol tonight, shes my fav. woo hoo. what else...? i got a job. i don't think i've written about that. i am babysitting this summer, and its not bad at all. the kids are adorable so it will be fun i think. and i need money. i can't wait to go on vacation, i really need one. far away. i'm sick of moving, thats for sure.

well i'm going to bed. i hope i do good on my last final in music tomorrow.

the journey never ends

so i'm sitting here listening to journey's greatest hits and stalking people on facebook when i should be starting the rough draft of my paper which is due tuesday...that or reading the book i have a test on wednesday. but whatever. it can wait as it always does.

this weekend was long and nice and i didnt get much accomplished. i cleaned my room today. i watched this indie movie called little athens last night and it strangely reminded me of my past. i still have to finish watching running with scissors. i still think the book was better though.

i really want school to be over but at the same time i'm sad about it. it's not as bittersweet as last year with graduation and all, but the feeling is familiar and it's that feeling of change that everyone anticipates. i can't believe my first year of college is almost over- it went by so fast. i'll write a lessons learned blog when i really am finished but yeah..um

oh yeah so this weekend i learned how to mow the lawn, and my hands hurt really bad now. my dad said i can make 20 dollars a week if i come home and do it every weekend and as much as i don't really want to do it, i'm going to...because 1. its good excercise 2. i get money 3. in the crappiest way its sort of fun. don't mark my words because i could change my mind.

and its your final last call....

so...HAPPY EASTER! now that's that. i went to church today, and why a million people decide to come on this one day and never again until christmas i do not know but it is annoying. REALLY REALLY bad <-- in my jen from the hills voice. hahaha. oh i am a loser. anyway...

yesterday my parents had an easter egg hunt for us in our house and well that was a lot of fun. we each had ten eggs that were the same color, mine were purple. the first person to find all of theirs got a prize...i thought it was money but instead it was a lottery ticket. WOO. but anywho i ended up winning because duh i am awesome. so that was cool. i opened all of my lovely plastic eggs and i got five bucks in each so that wasn't bad, i can't complain. and i won a dollar on one of my lottery tickets, and 4 dollars on the other one. a good easter yeah...except i didn't get around to dying eggs with my sister even though my mom boiled them and everything...hmm..i wonder how long those things last..i can always do it later.

today sucks because its sunday and that means tomorrow is monday and if i remember already i already wrote a blog that bitches about sundays so i won't go there again but really...why does monday exist. please someone find the answer to my question. and why are exams always on mondays..essay exams on that. gahhhhh. so i have that tomorrow and a math quiz. i really just can't wait until school is over but then i have summer school and la dee da stress stress stress.

oh i just want to say that i randomly found these clips on youtube of "tourettesguy" and they are freakin' hilarious. now i am not making fun of people with tourettes, for all i know this could be fake, but this man is really funny. google him or something. well thats really everything new..

this is a battle....

alright so i found my newest obsession as far as music goes. colbie caillat. she's amazing. search her on myspace. what else..

it's 2:31 pm on sunday and i've accomplished next to nothing today. i have a psych test and a math quiz tomorrow and i have yet to thoroughly study for them. oh well. i will get to that later on i guess. i got up at like 12 something and watched some baby thing they were having on discovery health during commercials of the real world. then i cleaned the bathroom...took a shower...and yeah that's about it thus far. i had the craziest dream last night. my family was going to florida next week but i couldn't go until later..my brother was taking his friend and like i went to their house for some reason to get something and i was out by the pool (that they don't have) and this orca (killer whale) was swimming in it and spitting water at me. then it magically changed into a man. it's all very fuzzy at this point but it was really weird. i've been having really crazy dreams lately i don't know why. i mean crazy like random, strange, psychopathic dreams. maybe it's me.

anyway...april is going to suck..i have something due or a test or quiz to take just about every day of the week. i can't wait for it to just be over. i do but i don't want summer to come. i'll be spending it all in charlotte. i want to go home and see people...i think i'm a little homesick. everytime i think i'm making a real good friend it's like they slip through my fingers in a way. i wish there was just one person here that knows me from before. uhh. so frustrating sometimes. there's alot of things i need to do.

my lip gloss is poppin

if i'm hearing correctly i am hearing a song on the radio right now with some girl saying over and over that her lip gloss is poppin. what the heck is the world coming to now? honestly. lol. this is killing me. christie's friend pam is in the room and she is wondering the same thing. no further comments.

anyway, my hair is wet and its drying so its getting curly and nast. blahhh. tonight there was a cook out for my dorm hall and the dumb people who organized it did not buy enough food for the fatasses that live in this dorm and the dumbasses who came that don't live here!!! so we waited 45 minutes, and i'm not exaggerating, for one burger. there was like no condiments left, etc etc. LAMEEEEEEE. so much for a good free dinner. but anyway...

lets see what else is new? i gotta do my laundry tomorrow. oh today i applied for community college. i am pretty sure everyone gets accepted..and i don't i might kill myself. lol. kidding of course. i do need to figure out what class i want to take this summer though along with my future job. hm..

today me, dev, kristi, and katie went to the gym. we've been going there more lately. it wasn't as crowded as normal today which was nice. i'm not gonna lie i have the worst anxiety about going there due to the high amounts of tan buff guys in there. its slightly embarassing but i am slowly getting over it. i hear commercials on the radio and the sound of the loud tv in the common room blasting dr. phil and no one is out there. i'm getting a headache i think. i am SO glad today is thursday. tomorrow hilary duff will be on tyra. WOO! lol i am a loserrr. i hope this weekend is good, and things begin to feel drama free. there has been some drama around lately...don't ask. i think its mostly over.

lets call him....carlos

so i'm sick....and i guess i felt it coming. so it sucks. this weekend was good though. last week was my spring break and it was boring at first, like i did nothing but sit at home and chill with my mom, go run errands and watch alot of tv. i went running too but thats about it. then thursday i went to meet devlin in burlington, (outside of greensboro) and i went to his house for that night and then friday we went to atlantic beach and stayed in morehead city which was fun. our hotel was nice and we had a view of the pretty water. we went to the beach and walked on it and collected shells...it was cute yeah yeah.haha. we also went to fort macon and saw the old civil war stuff...interesting i guess. we layed in bed at the hotel and watched the acc tourney..then went to dinner at raps and it was good. then saturday we went to the aquarium and that was cool, i love aquariums. it wasn't as good as the baltimore aquarium because there were no dolphins but it was still cool. then we went to this giant pier and just...looked at the water. it was so nice though, i love the beach..it was a nice getaway from charlotte for once.

so now i'm back at school and its only the second day of classes but they suck. it wouldn't be as bad if i wasn't sick. i hateeeeee my life. lol. but anyway...i don't know. uh...i hope i survive the rest of the day.

i've been here many times before

well it's early and usually i'm doing something other than surfing the web...but i was looking up stuff for next weekend. it's officially spring break and seeing as right now i have nothing to do i will excite the eyes of faithful readers and you know who you are. anyhow..
new favorite songs- "breathe me"- sia and "what i wouldn't give"- holly brook
fantastic.

i have no plans for spring break except to hang out at my house, i guess go shopping around charlotte (but that's nothing new) and um...go running? and write a paper but it'll be easy. on thursday i am going to devlin's house in greenville and then friday we're going to atlantic beach overnight and then coming back saturday night and leaving his house sunday for school. i think that'll be fun. i haven't been to the beach in forever and a day. and i love it so i can't wait and pictures will be posted for sure :)

so my grandparents were here for the past three days and visiting with them has been fun. my grandmom and i watched little miss sunshine tonight and it was a cute movie. i guess i might go to bed soon because i have nothing to do and i need to get up early to say goodbye to them.

speaking of goodbyes. they do suck. and unfortunatley i have to admit sadly that my parents were right. i would lose high school friends after i moved to charlotte for good. yes, i do definitely talk to about 3 or 4 regularly but still like people i considered myself to be pretty good friends with..i hardly talk to or if i do it's that fake casual stuff and i hate that more than anything. WHYYYYYY GOD WHYYYYY do people change? lol. but seriously. honestly i do some uh self reflection and i still feel exactly the same as i did when i left. i kind of like that. other than the fact that i have a boyfriend i mean i am still a huge dork/freak that i always have been. i don't feel any more or less mature than i have been in the last two years. maybe that's what you get for moving 3 summers in a row, you learn to deal with change that others are just now experiencing for the first time. hmm. could be. i don't know but i really did wish that i could not be forgotten by people i know that i still love so much. i try and do the myspace/facebooking comments but i don't get hardly in reply as many as i send. oh well. i guess...if you don't want to make the effort to be my friend anymore or if for some reason you don't like me or i did something to you, i'd really just like to be informed about it. haha sorry if that sounds lame but i mean really, i don't like things going unsaid...you just never know.

sometimes i have these huge revelations of life where i feel like i can do anything. not the bipolar type anything, but the anything as in the future of my life, career, etc. whatever. and then i start to doubt myself. and that part sucks. i am resolving this year to be more motivated. yeah, that's about it. now that i've written a book i'm going to end this.

gonna cash you in for a new mercedes

man i wish i could afford a mercedes. ha. funny because i don't even own a car at all right now. that's something that sucks about my life. but there are some good things- like right now i don't have a headache and i found out the culprit of my misery....apparently my sinuses are ridiculously swollen according to my doc. so i have nose spray now. superrrr.

what else is good? thursday me and dev went to ritazza's (school coffee place) to see five times august and i would say they but its only one dude, Brad, and he was amazing. so that was alot of fun. then we went to pizza hut at the sac.

its raining sooo hard out right now. i love rain. i love it but not all the time. i think i have some homework to do....i won't do it though. at least not right now. mmmm i can't wait til summer, but then again i definitely can. i just want to go on vacation. badly. is that really so much to ask!? i miss home too...i want to go home to maryland. it's hard when you don't have a house where your home is though. so yeah. my next large purchase will be sunglasses i've decided. because i tend to squint alot and the sunglasses i have now don't stay on my nose because...its small, or something.

whoa i forgot to tell you i got my haircut. and it feels pretty dang good. i needed it cut terribly. you know that feeling when you're just like holy moly i really need a haircut and it just dawns on you and that feeling doesn't stop until you get it cut, well i feel better now. i'm going to watch tv or take a shower.

new favs, roses, and broken specs

for some odd reason it takes alot for me to sit down and write one of these nowadays. i have to like...be in a mood. it's 9:49 am and surprisingly i am awake. it's friday and i have no classes so you'd think i'd be sleeping which i usually am but i went to bed whoa early last night because i had a migraine, no fun. but i'm better now. anyway...updates on mi vida.

well, january is obviously over and february is more than halfway done with as well. january was an alright month i guess. it went by fast, classes are alright...i think i'm doing better than i did last semester so that's thumbs up. it snowed a little bit a few weeks ago and we got off school that day. it was snow for like two hours before it turned to slush. we saw these guys who made a sled out of cardboard beer boxes and duck tape. clever, and it worked so yeah. haha.

this month has been nice also. last week i had the stomach flu. that came from matt who gave it to kristi who gave it to me. it sucked but i am better now thank gosh. last friday we went to the comedy show at our school because it was free and it was homecoming week so they had all these events going on on campus. but yeah the comedy show was hilarious. the first girl was this white girl from LA and she was funny but a little bit obnoxious. the next was this huge black guy named ronnie jordan from atlanta and he was the best, we almost died laughing. go see his myspace! hah. and last was this guy who was on last comic standing but i don't even remember his name, he acted like he was drunk the whole time..don't ask. anyway that was highlights from last week.

yesterday was valentines day and usually i'm not a big fan but this year it was actually good. devlin and i planned on going to carabba's which is an upscale olive garden but it was an 80 minute wait so we went to good old applebee's instead and it wasn't bad at all. he gave me a single red rose and some chocolates. and later that night he surprised me with a build a bear. and no don't think it's all cliche, because i reallllly wanted a build a bear because i didn't have one and he made it himself after he told me he definitely was not spending 35 bucks on a "stupid stuffed animal" but he did and its so cute :) i'm getting him new shoes which he has yet to pick out.

my new obsession is katharine mcphee lol. i love her new song "over it" yes, i'm lame shut upppp. but for real it's so good. i downloaded like 3 of her songs off itunes because i didn't want the whole cd, plus i'm poor. i'm in the middle of trying to find a job for summer.....which reminds me. me and kristi and jessica and her friend kaitlin signed a lease for these new apartments being built by august and they're going to be sweeeeet. own bathroom, free tanning, pool, jacuzzi, gym. i'm excited for that. oh yeah and my glasses are broken..and i am still wearing them lopsided, i look like a retard. lol. i need to get them fixed.....

and i need to make phonecalls this weekend because i am losing friends far and fast it seems, and well no one really calls me except kelsey and my grandma to see how i'm doing so i'm going to call some peeps because i don't want to lose my friends.... :( hah well that's about it.

i have to pee but i'm going to write this real quick

happy freakin' new year, people!

let's make this year a good one and keep our resolutions and be....all that we can be! hahahaha yeahhhhhhh.



......i'm really gay, i know.