i am deeply offended

by kristen talking about sodomy. look it up. i had to...

no comment.

and she just said "whoa bitch" and told me to calm down.
whoa whoa whoa whoaaaaaaaaaa.

i'm going crazy.

i've resorted to this

though i can't get up the nerve to write a real blog, i will, however, write a blog containing all of my favorite fall out boy lyrics....here goes....

But I must confess,
I'm in love with my own sins. -(america's suitehearts)

I want to scream I love you from the top of my lungs.
But I'm afraid that someone else will hear me.
You can blame your problems on the world for so long.
Before it all becomes the same old song. -(the (shipped) gold standard)

I can't explain a thing
I want everything to change and stay the same
Outside doesn't care about anyone and anything
Now come together, Come apart.
Only get louder when you read the charts.
And oh baby when they made me, they broke the mold.
Girls used to follow me around, then I got cold.
Fly your cameras in the aisle.
And wave them like you just don't care.
I will never believe in anything again.
I will never believe in anything again.
Well change will come. Oh!
Change will come!
I will never believe in anything again. -(coffee's for closers)

ohh baby your a classic
like a little black dress
but you'll be faded soon
stuck on a little hot mess -(tiffany blews)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great -(thnks fr th mmrs)

When I wake up, I'm willing to take my chances on the hope I forget
that you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you.
You need him. I could be him...
I could be an accident but I'm still trying.
That's more than I can say for him.
Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know: you were the last good thing about this part of town. (grand theft autumn)

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by -(dance dance)

Is this more than you bargained for yet
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song- (sugar we're going down)

I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late- (a little less sixteen candles, a little more touch me)

I'm good to go
And I'm going nowhere fast
It could be worse
It could be taking you there with me
I'm good to go
But it looks like I'm still on my own -(saturday)

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say.
(Tonight I'm writing you) a million miles away - (homesick at spacecamp)

My heart is on my sleeve
wear it like a bruise or blackeye
my badge, my witness
that means that i believed
every single lie you said -(chicago is so two years ago)

you want apologies
girl, you might hold your breath
until your breathing stops forever, forever
(...every pane of glass) the only thing you'll get
is this curse on your lips:
(every pane of) i hope they taste of me forever.
with every breath i wish your body will be broken again, again - (chicago is so two years ago)

Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand
Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again
And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you
I must have dragged my guts a block... they were gone by the time we (talked)...
I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
But you know that I could crush you with my voice
Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don't want to know a thing
I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun. Remind me which side you should be on
I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.- (the pros and cons of breathing)



OK, so I might have forgotten some...or whatever, i don't know but for the most part these are some of my fave FOB lyrics. Wow I can't believe I sat here and did that. I am a loserrrrr. I should be writing about how my xmas was and how i've had a headache for three days in a row, and how i'm depressed because my boyfriend lives a million miles away, and how i lost five pounds, and how my grandma is here visiting and fucking cracks me up, and how i hate work, and how i.......i don't even fucking knowwwwwwwww. i'll do that shit later though. peace.

oh my god this hurts like hell

so before i write i just want to thank kristen from coming back from her short hiatus away from blogger. welcome back, we faithful readers appreciate it.

now onto the good, but not so good, stuff. i have also been away. i have my reasons. i have tried to avoid the unavoidable on blogger, the place where all of my current emotions and life events have been recorded. last tuesday, a week ago from today, the current love of my love moved back to arizona and left me sleepless in charlotte. i wish i could say seattle, but it just won't work. anyway, so cody left to go back to az and of course i am here. thousands of miles away crying in self pity about how horribly my life plan is going. yes, i understand it could be worse, but for me this is bad and i have the right to bitch to blogger about how shitty i feel. it's pretty shitty. i have been doing better than i expected, but i still have that..sickening empty feeling inside and it comes and goes during those quiet stationary moments throughout the day and especially night. i'm not sure how i was or am supposed to feel, but all i can safely say is that i'm not dead. so i suppose that's a good thing. my life has been uneventful as expected and nothing fun has happened. it is the week of finals and i'm glad for that. i have one more tomorrow and then i'll be done. the bad news is that i have to retake accounting 2 and start calculus over again as well. in conclusion, i will have to work my ass off in order to graduate on time. i need positive motivation and thinking or i'm doomed. i guess i'm doomed. but we'll roll with the punches and hope all goes well from here on out.

i can't wait to go home to maryland during this winter break. it's the highlight of my holiday and will be fun. no doubt about that. soon enough january will be here and i can't believe it will be 2009. whoa. so weird. i can't wait to see cody again. i hate being like this, like all depressed over a boy, but really, he became my best friend in the last year. i'm not the most social butterfly in the meadow, and he was like the only constant thing that has made me happy here. Now without him, being in charlotte, being here in college, i'm just not feelin' it. i want to be done. i want to move on. i'm not exactly sure what that entails, but not this. uhhhh....

i'm mad that my computer is being so slow it won't download the new fall out boy cd fast enough. wtf.

you're the only thing i know like the back of my hand

kelsey, t.swift rules my life too.

tonight is a sad night.
i only have hours left with cody and it doesn't feel real.
he's yelling at me to get off here.
but yeah,
i'm scared......
i love him.

the pants are not going to make everything better

i can't do anything.
er
i have a headache.
my neck hurts
my shoulders hurt
my legs hurt from hiking
i can't do my speech. even though it should be really easy.
i can't even summon the energy to make it through all of the sisterhood the traveling pants
ughhhhhh
skdjfnsdlkfjnsadljkf
i am sad.
i am mad.
i am....________ i don't know.
kristen and i are talking on aim about how our lives areh so dull, and if anything does happen, its bad.
i feel like whatserface girl in sisterhood, the one who works at wallmans and is price sticking the maxi pads and then price sticks her forehead. that's how i feel about my life right now.

i hope it gets better.
but of course not until it gets worse.
but

santa, you bitch

i don't really feel like being on here. for some reason it takes effort for me when i'm not quite in the mood. i've enjoyed the past few days spending alot of time with cody because he's leaving this tuesday..or wednesday. which really really really super sucks and i don't want to talk or think about it. anyway, today we went hiking in gastonia on crowder mountain and it sure was a hike but we finally made it to the top and it was breathtaking. i'll put some pics up on facebook eventually. so yeah, that was relaxing and...nice. we met an older couple that wouldn't stop talking to us, but they were cute hah.

this coming tuesday is also the last day of class, until finals that is, so that's just great. minus cody leaving. sorry i keep ranting about him leaving. it consumes me, and i'm sad. he has become one of my closest friends now, and its going to be incredibly hard being away from him. anyway..oh yea we went to cracker barrel after hiking and man i love that place, its seriously so homey and warm. i wish i had a fireplace in my room. random thought.

so i've enjoyed heathers new poems, just givin' my fiance a shout out (if you didn't know we are engaged on facebook). also, kristen, always funny. can i just say that i am an observer also. what's coming to my mind is britney spears new song, circus, (yes,i bought the album) which begins "there's only two kinds of people in the world. the ones that entertain and the ones that observe" well britney is a put on a show kind of girl, and i am a watch the show from the center/middle row. i don't know why people are born the way they are. i feel like i was made to be awkward and feel embarrassed 24/7, though i shouldn't. i don't know...it's weird. sometimes i'm like super self conscious and other times i'm like psh eff you i don't know you. hmm...i'm not sure which is better to be. anywho, i pay attention to things i really shouldn't. and i want to make it clear that if i'm staring at you i'm simply wondering, i'm not judging you, let's not get the two confused. i hate when people think that certain people are close minded just because their background or sarcasm. whatever. i believe i am open minded and quite frankly i don't care if someone thinks i'm not. i.e.- cody calls me a prissy bitch and thinks i like hate poor people. whoa whoa whoa and whoa. that makes me mad. very untrue. i don't even feel like explaining myself. therefore, i'm going to wrap this up and call it a night. i really should have been doing homework or studying or SOMETHING for the past two hours. what else is new?

p.s.-listen to the maine "santa stole my girlfriend" on youtube.

the boyband obsession continues....

ok, so....new obsession to mindlessly freakout over. varsity fanclub. thursday (thanksgiving) i was watching the macy's thanksgiving day parade as always, and saw these little cuties perform on a float and of course i spent 2 hours online myspacing/facebooking them. now i am uber obsessed. don't ask why. they are a typical cheesy boyband with eyame songs they dance (good) to. but yeah, totally youtube them hahaha. oh and my favorite member is thomas but he sort of seems like a dick, but i could be wrong. also, he might be dating mandy jiroux, aka miley cyrus's whore best friend.

anywho. i am once again laying in cody's bed. one of the last nights i will blog like this again on a sunday night. its depressing, lets not get into it. so yeah...break is over and it was ok i guess. nothing special, you know. just hung out and worked. black friday was crazy. i only bought a couple shirts. today was kari's 17th birthday. she's getting so old, its weird. do you ever look at other people and think like how the heck are you that old, i swear you were like 11 yesterday, but at the same time you're older too, so its not really fair to be like wow you're not a little kid...
just a thought. but ok i've been depressed lately. its the whole change thing coming, plus i'm failing 2 classes. i can't stand the thought of not having cody in my life anymore. not close, and here in a physical sense anyway. i know this.."departure" isn't the same as last years but still, the concept is overwhelming to me, and i really don't know how i'm going to handle him leaving. it's definitely going to be a tough next few weeks/months even. ughh...i need to be strong. heather i totally wish i was there this past week to hangout when no one else was around. you don't know what i'd give to be in wildewood sometimes. i need a familiar face once and awhile and i don't realize it until i'm like hyperventilating crying in my room wallowing in sorrow and self pity. i don't understand why things work out the way they do, and why God seems to have a grudge against me and deal me the worst cards ever. maybe not the worst cards ever ever, but definitely not the best ones. and this happens to me in a literal sense, in that i never win lottery cards either. i just can't seem to win. maybe one day.

......so i have some goals i guess for next year/semester. workout frequently and not stop the routine. eat better, become more emotionally stable (ahahaha riiiight), get only A's and B's, go to church more, and see the grand canyon with cody. he better take me when (if and hopefully) i go out to arizona. i don't know. i'm really confused about where my life is going. i keep telling myself i need to get my shit together, but another day goes by and i constantly feel like i'm running in place. i don't get it. i can't wait to graduate and start a new chapter of my life in a new city. and then i'll probably bitch about how that sucks too. goodnight.

When it feels like you're fighting
just to breathe that's when you know...